A Canadian in China (Part 4)

Hi there!. I know that I mentioned before that when I wrote my first account of my first few months in China, I was not expecting to have anything more to write about and so I said nothing about myself. I don't know if anyone is reading any of this but, since I have a few more experiences to relate to you, I thought perhaps I should tell you a little about myself.

For the greatest part of my life, I had very little sex. This was due to a couple of things, the greatest of which was my "good old catholic upbringing". Yes, I grew up in a devoutly Catholic home and attended Catholic schools for virtually all of my schooling. I loved the church and served for many years, well into my late teens, as an altar server. I also wanted , very much, to become a priest and, to that end, I entered the seminary following my graduation from high school and studied for more than three years for the priesthood. I got into the seminary at tail end of the "old" church, just at the close of the Second Vatican Council. This meant that my first year in the seminary was still of the old, very monastic lifestyle, complete with the wearing of the long black cassock and roman collar. I loved it !!! I had wanted to wear that roman collar for most of my young life. I was 18 yrs old when I entered the seminary and there were close to 100 seminarians. When I "pulled out" three years later, there were less than 30 of us. The changes came so fast and furiously that it literally shook the faith right out of many of us. Many of us, seminarians and priests, were very strongly attached to many of the "external trappings" of the the church such as all the beautiful, pompous ceremonies and the mystique of Latin etc. etc. When all of this changed, many of us found ourselves without so many of the things we loved and with little real faith. It was a time when many many priests, nuns and seminarians left the religious life. I, of course, was one of them.

I should like to mention here that never, throughout my life of very close associations with priests did I ever meet a gay one...at least none that I knew. I was very close to many priests and never once did any one ever try to "molest" me.....and I was a cute, attractive kid. I was always told I was very handsome and cute etc. but never really felt so ....I was never unhappy with my looks but did not consider myself particularly handsome, cute or attractive. Now, however, when I see pictures of myself back in my teens, I can see that I was pretty darn good looking....and slim!!

In the seminary, there was only one guy I knew to be gay...he made very strong "gestures" that were unmistakably sexual advances. Unfortunately, he was not in the least bit attractive and I had no interest in having any sexual activity with him. Had he been one of the several guys I had crushes on, I would, no doubt, have engaged in sex. Alas, there was no sex to be had for the entire time I was in the seminary.

So, how did my Catholic background cause me to have very little sex for most of my life??? For those not familiar with the teachings of the church, we were taught, from a very young age, that any sexual activiity, of any kind, outside of marriage, was a very serious sin that would condemn us to hell for all eternity. A very scary thought and, of course, we all "swallowed" it and firmly believed what we were taught. Even masturbation was a serious sin....just as serious as the actual act of intercourse. "Self abuse" they called it and how we struggled so hard trying not to committ self abuse.... When we did "jerk off" as was inevitable, we would have to run off to confess our sin to a priest or risk dying and going straight to hell for ever and ever.

When I did have a sexual encounter, I would feel so guilty that I would almost immediately dislike the guy I was with. Yes, I was one of those who, after reaching orgasm and ejaculating, did not want to be with the guy anymore. I could not cuddle him or kiss or do any thing but roll over and wish he wasn't there....wish he would go away. I would feel so dirty, filthy, bad and disgusting. Yes, it was horrible , but that is the way it was.

Like most teen boys...and young men. (never mind young....even to this day), I have had a strong sex drive...I actually think a bit stronger than average and I did seek sex. Most of my friends were handsome or cute because I always sought friends who were really good looking and who I had a crush on. Throughout the years, I was able to have sex with a few of them.....you know...the good old "sleep overs" we so often had when we were in school. However, as noted earlier, if I did end up having sex with a friend, the friendship would soon end. I would no longer like the guy...once I had had him. After each encounter, I would rush off to confession and would vow to never do it again.....same with jerking off. I don't think I ever lasted more than 3 or 4 days without jerking off.....then, back to confession. After I turned 16 and got my drivers licence, I would actually drive to a different church to avoid confessing to the same priests who all knew me.

Not long after leaving the seminary, I finally convinced my self that all this nonsense about sin and sex was just that...a lot of nonsense...bull shit!!!!. So, intellectually, or in my mind, I was able to convince myself that sexual activity was not sinful, or dirty or filthy...and I quit going to confession. I did, however, for many many many years still suffer from the ugly emotional response after orgasm. I did not believe I had sinned but I just could not shake the ugly emotional feelings that came after having sex. I never got into any anal sex and I could not swallow "cum"...I tried it once and almost gagged. After climaxing, I still felt that "cum" was ugly stuff and I could not even touch it. This terrible feeling lasted until not too many years ago. The real bitch in all of this is that when I finally got over this ugly emotional response, I was too old to attract the real young guys who I love so much. For this reason, I have for many years, resented all the guilt and emotional response to sex that I have endured, feeling that I missed the years when I might have been able to have almost limitless sex, when I was young, cute, handsome and attractive.

Perhaps you readers (if there are any) can now understand or appreciate my experiences, thus far, in China. For many reasons coming to China was a very "right" choice..but, ...maybe the most important reason has been the sex.............I will be back with more...